The Double Walk of Shame (or Why You Shouldn't Bang 30 Year Olds That Live With Their Mom)

Let me preface this story with the fact that I don't believe in one night stands. I have too many feelings for all that nonsense. Also, I get offended if you don't try to sleep with me forever after we have sex because I know I'm that good.

However, a good line and a cute smile can sometimes make me bend my rules.

But this wasn't a one night stand.

I've known Jeremy for about a year. Because I dated his best friend. I am aware that I'm a bad person.

We kissed a few times. We hung out. We texted. Things were going well. We slept together. We continued to text and hang out and everything was cool. But I'm telling this story so you know it didn't end well.

The second time we slept together, I stayed the night. Not on purpose. Just fell asleep afterwards.

He woke me up at 6:30 so I could sneak out of the house before his parents noticed. This is the part where I have to explain that I live an hour away from my job. Jeremy lived in the same town where I work. I am now awake and stranded with not enough time to go home and get ready and looking like a walk of shame. So, I called Brian who also lives with his parents.

In true wonderful ex-boyfriend fashion, Brian let me come over and get ready in his parents' bathroom. Thank god for a spare toothbrush and a travel straightener. But I still had to walk of shame past his parents to get to the bathroom.

Actual Conversation:

Brian's Dad: Good Morning Meg

Me: Morning (head down in shame)

BD: Had a good night?

Me: Until now. (thought to self: shut up shut up shut up)

BD: (snickering) That's good. Have a good day.

Immediately following this, Jeremy decided to duck me like a bad habit and I decided to be sad for 3 hours and then hate him.

Top 5 Celebrities My Ex-Boyfriends Have Been Compared to

5. The Brawny Paper Towel Man

4. Kid Rock

3. Hootie (minus the blowfish)

2. Tiger Woods

1. Screech (Dustin Diamond, I suppose)


Apparently, I have a type. And that type is celebrities nobody wanted to sleep with.


Except the Brawny paper towel guy. He's dreamy.